King 5 News: Huge Waft of Smoke Rises from Seattle, Store Shelves Empty

December 6, 2012: A Haze Rises over Seattle

December 6, 2012: A Haze Rises over Seattle

This just in, as reported by King 5 News:

SEATTLE–December 6th, 2012: As of 4:20 pm today a huge waft of hazy smoke was seen rising around Seattle. Included were surrounding neighborhoods of Capitol Hill, Fremont, Belltown, and the University District. It was later seen over Ballard and Georgetown as well.

Mayor McGinn

Mayor McGinn

Local grocery store chains, QFC and Safeway, reported their shelves emptying of all Doritos, Pringles, and Cheetos. Lines at Dick’s Drive-in were stretching around the block as people scrambled for alternatives. Local pizza delivery company, Pagliacci Pizza, was quoting 72-hour delays in their delivery service but were working on possible alternatives. Chains such as Jimmy Johns, Red Mill, and others are all equally understaffed.

Seattle Mayor, Mike McGinn, tried to downplay these events as even corporate productivity levels ground to a halt, “We see no reason to panic as there has been no damage to property and those waiting in these lines seem very, very patient and subdued. There is no cause for public alarm. We urge everyone to try stay focused on work.”

Customers lined up at Dick's Drive-In

Customers lined up at Dick’s Drive-In

Though as the mayor commented, Wall Street reacted to the news. Analysts at Goldman Sachs downgraded earnings predictions for all tech-based companies based in Washington State citing a predicted productivity crash and lack of focus on the core goals of corporate strategies.

Pagliacci attempts mass delivery

Pagliacci attempts mass delivery

Updated: Record stores in the city have reportedly all closed for the day citing inability to staff and/or non-functioning of staff on site. Citizens were directed to online sources of music in the meantime but Spotify’s and Pandora’s public relations representatives both reported unavailable network bandwidth to serve the skyrocketing demand for their “Rollin’ Raggae” and “100% Bob Marley” stations.

Microsoft Corporate PR contact, Lisa Stevens, was asked if these events, or the Wall Street downgrade was affecting software giant Microsoft, she reported, “We are seeing increased employee absence this afternoon. Additionally, our Xbox Live service is receiving record-setting local traffic. Luckily that network is based outside of the state and staff is reporting 100% up-time to serve the increased demand.

Empty chip aisle at QFC

Empty chip aisle at QFC


When asked about today’s events, Seattle Police spokesperson Jonah Spangenthal-Lee said, “The department has a few theories about why these events have occurred today but are not ready to comment other than to say there is no cause for public alarm. Just chill.” Jonah then suggested everyone read a recent FAQ put out by the SPD.

A few paranoid callers into King 5 were convinced today’s cloud was a right-wing terrorist attack against the city for allowing gay marriage to go into effect today. Others were not convinced and kept referring to more natural causes.

King 5 surveyed the crowd waiting in line at Dick’s ask about today’s happenings and asked what their thoughts were on the matter.

Jack Walsh, a Ballard-based web designer responded, “Terrorist attack? No way. It’s so beautiful that gays can get married and show their love and commitment. I love it. I love Seattle. I love you!”

Jenny Lee

Jenny Lee

When asked about why the line was not moving Jack replied, “What? This line is moving. See? There, right there. It moved. I’m telling you man, I saw that thing MOVE, dude.”

Stephen Wright

Stephen Wright

For Jenny Lee, a local jewelry designer responded, “I think today is awesome! Oh, wait, this Dick’s Deluxe is messy, where’s my napkin, can I borrow yours? Oh thanks, no, just the one. I don’t want to pollute. People use too much paper products ya know! I wish I didn’t live so far from Broadway. Seattle really needs better public transportation. It’s probably hard with all the hills. Why can’t they go underneath the hills?! Oh man, is that possible? I need more pickles.”

Stephen Wright, a local baker summed it up, “Dude, it’s Ganjageddon.”

King 5 will continue to monitor the situation. If you have additional photos of today, please contact us and we will try upload them.

Amazon's South Lake Union office

Amazon’s South Lake Union office


Share This:

Leave a Reply